It’s Thursday night and you’re exhausted. To say your day was full would be an understatement. You checked off as much of your never ending to-do list as possible. Taking care of the kids, shuttling them around to their numerous extracurriculars. Running the show at the office, leading your team with a balance of firmness and kindness. Wearing the many hats around the house, cooking, cleaning, laundry. Not to mention balancing the checkbook, paying everyone from the dog-walker to the babysitter. You are plum exhausted. You barely had enough energy to wash your face and brush your teeth. But, after conquering the world, you finally, finally fall into that plush bed of yours. So deserving of a good night’s rest.
And then it happens. Your husband reaches over and grabs you. But not in the sweet way to say good night. In that way he has to let you know without uttering a single word that he’d like some midnight lovin. In an instant you feel a rush of emotion. Overwhelm. Frustration. Irritation. Anger. And yes, even dread.
Quickly your thoughts pour out without pause. Doesn’t he know how hard I worked today? Isn’t he grateful for all I’ve already done for this family? How can he not care that I’ve barely got six hours before I start this race all over again? Has he forgotten that we’ve already had sex three times this week? Why are my efforts never enough? I just don’t have it in me.
Before you know it that anger turns to guilt and you feign a headache. He turns away disappointed, not having a clue how much more disappointed you are…in his request, in yourself…in the pace of life. So much for that good night’s rest. You turn away so he can’t see the tears roll down your hot face as you battle yourself silently.
If this scenario resonates with you, know you are not alone. Many women struggle with all the thoughts, feelings, and stress that come with having a horny husband. Maybe you researched that little pink pill everyone’s been talking about. Anything to give you the boost you need. Well, I’m here to offer you a different solution. Today, I want to suggest some practical tips and, most importantly, a perspective shift.
First, it’s key that you take a step back and understand that his insatiable need is not a reflection on your performance, but rather, indicative of his high level of testosterone. Now, just like an insufficiency of testosterone brings sexual difficulties into a relationship, so too can an excess of the hormone. Men who have higher than average levels of testosterone tend to have a higher sex drive, which can be difficult for a woman with a lower libido to handle. I cover this particular topic in Battle of the Libidos. But I encourage you to consider how your husband may feel about this struggle. Surely he doesn’t want to request more of you than you can give and likely his increased need creates some frustration for him as well. This brings me to my next point.
You need to talk about sex with your husband. Talk about your likes and dislikes, how you feel when your desires don’t line up, what he can do to help get you in the mood. Discuss what days and times you have the most energy to give him. Not that you have to necessarily schedule it every week, but give him an idea so he can take your personal stressors into consideration. Compromise on a frequency that will satisfy both of you. Studies show that every seventy-two hours is optimal, but each couple is different. Communicate with him that you want to meet his needs. It’s important that neither of you internalize unhealthy messages that were never meant to be sent, like you’re not enough for him or you don’t desire him. Conversation is key when it comes to sex in the relationship.
As important as it is to talk about sex together, I really encourage you to bite your tongue in the heat of an argument. Reacting out of anger or frustration is likely to drive you two further apart on the subject rather than pulling you closer to one another, which is hopefully the goal in having the dialogue in the first place. Have the wherewithal to fight fair and request a time out if the conversation starts to escalate. Agree to continue the talk once you have both had some time to cool down. If he makes an advance, don’t reject him or tear him down with your words. Instead, take the opportunity to express your thoughts and feelings with regard to meeting his needs.
And about meeting his needs…Take some time to be real with yourself and assess whether or not you are meeting his needs. If you’ve agreed on intimacy three times a week but only find yourself being open to sex once a week, dig into why that is. If you are meeting his needs, give yourself credit. That’s a really big deal in a marriage. If you aren’t meeting his needs, give yourself grace. We all fall short at times. Don’t wallow in it, commit to doing better for both of you. Likewise, take an inventory of your own needs. Acknowledge verbally what needs he is meeting for you and gently express what needs you’d like him to give more intentionality to meeting. This will go a long way in positively reinforcing your communication, intimacy, and happiness with one another.
Another key component is to meet your own needs. Many women have a harder time flipping the switch from wife/partner/worker/mother to lover. Gain some insight on what you need to do to prepare yourself for sexual intimacy mentally, emotionally, physically, etc. In Husband’s Guide to Getting Laid, I gave the men some suggestions on upping the romance and revamping the sexual ritual (the pattern of behavior that you two complete prior to having sex). You too should take a look at your sexual ritual. Affirm strengths and vow to improve growth areas. Self-care is a must if you want to have a healthy, active sex life with your man. I know as a woman with a plethora of roles and responsibilities, it’s easy to put yourself on the backburner and attend to everyone else first, but that’s actually detrimental. Think of it this way, if you fill yourself up first, you have more to pour into others. If you never fill yourself up and are always pouring into others, it’ll likely lead to burnout, exhaustion, bitterness, and resentment.
Okay, now for the perspective shift. This will take a conscious effort on your behalf, but I have complete faith in your ability. When it comes to your horny husband, I want to challenge you to shift your view from feeling overwhelmed and frustrated by his need to feeling sexy and desired. Sure, men are physical beings. But your man chose you. And I’m sure for countless amazing reasons. He can’t keep his paws off you because he thinks you’re hot and he wants to strip you naked and please you. As women, too often we internalize the negative criticism of others and quickly shrug off the positive affirmations of our husbands. Do. Not. Do. That. When he tells you that you’re beautiful or raves about your butt, believe him and thank him. If you begin taking his advances as a compliment to your beauty and irresistibility rather than a nuisance and a reminder of your ‘duty’ as his wife, it will transform your sexual identity as a couple. Trust me, you want him to think of you as his lover. Too many couples slip into the roommate epidemic. Don’t be one of them. Instead, choose to revolutionize your marriage.
Okay, my friend. I really hope this article has been helpful to you. I wish you the best of luck in applying it to yourself and your relationship. If you find that you need a little extra help, please don’t hesitate to reach out. Until next time.